People often ask me, what keeps you going.

Well I'm finally going to answer that question.

When i was in primary one. I met this girl. Well we didn't really take notice of each other, as we sat very far apart. After all we were just in primary one. How far could we think?

Then in primary 5. Dec holidays. It was the first time i logged into msn. And ever since then i got hooked onto it, for a good reason.
Everyday i would talk to this girl, without fail. Well after all, it was just talking. Nothing really serious, we joked alot. As in really alot. It was fun. She always told me everything, and i told her everything in return.

I always rmbed when one of our favourite songs were playing on 98.7. we would without fail msg each other at the same time saying, HEY ITS YOUR SONG. I loved it.

Then in primary 6. Things got a little dark. She was unhappy over her PSLE results. She hated shss, she really hated it. She was under huge pressure, from her class since it was em1, from her parents. She always msged me. Pouring out her sorrows to me. I did my best to comfort her. The secret was, my psle score was lower =).

I said a prayer. I told God if he put her in my class, i would be faithful to him. All the way.

She wasn't. She ended up in 1c. Better then not being able to see her.

Then we drifted. We drifted the furthest we could. We completely forgot about each other. Or so we thought. We never spoke to each other anymore. It was her life and i was leading mine.

I had someone else. But we broke up.

The reason we broke up was because, i was unfaithful. I was still looking out for her even tho i was with someone else. I still wanted her.

I hurt two now, and im not an incredible guy. Im not proud of it of course.


But we got closer. It was a mistake i made.

She always passworded her diary x. I had this urge to get in and read about her life once more. i hacked in. Because she trusted me with her password 2 years ago. I still remembered.

The things i read, shocked me. The second biggest shock i'll ever get. She was still thinking about me. She was living very unhappily, because of me. I couldn't believe it. At all. A guy like me. Someone was worried and concerned about a guy like me. It made me go insane.

Because for once, someone loved me not because i loved the person. But because she wanted to.

I told her i wanted her to be mine again. We were sort of together. We never talked, we never met, we only smsed. How sad was that.


That was the second part. I didn't know i was hurting her. I was a loser hiding in my shell, afraid to meet people. I left it hanging, but she never told me. How sweet can a girl get really... To care so much about my feelings. Saying things like i dont deserve it isn't enough anymore.


So one day kevin chin asked me. So hows your progress. Wad have the two of you done. It shocked me again. I hated to answer, nothing. I haven't done anything for her. Yet she still wanted to be with me. It really hurted me alot. What is this girl thinking.... being so selfless.


so on the 22 of august. I ask her if she wanted to be my stead. She said yes. and she was happy.

I WAS ELATED. i mean it, i was happy of the happiest. i really was the happiest person on earth. i mean it.


Then around a few months later. She was angry. Because i was still the same. I thot i had moved. But i was still in the same place.. I hadn't gone out with her, i hadn't talk to her before. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME

anyone reading this or have known would laugh. If you were her friends you'll laugh at me.

I told her, i would change for her. Because i almost lost her. I really did. She told me she didn't want to continue.

I told her, i couldn't lose her. and i would change. and i really did.


for the next few months, i did single thing i could to make her smile, i went out with her, bought her stuff.

Then it happened. My first time holding her hand. I know everyone would laugh. This child sick boy, holding hands only. No big deal. Its alright its true i guess. =) i did it. I hesitated like crazy. But i told myself. If you dont do it, can you risk losing her again. I told myself no.. and i did it =)


followed by our first kiss and hug. I wanted to make her happy, and make sure she was getting all the attention she needed.



Then a few months later. Alot of fights broke out. I didn't meet her as much as i wanted to and i was angry. I was jealous over her friends. I was really scared. Because i saw people replacing me. I saw people spending more time with her. And i got afraid. I tried. But i was always unable to be with her. I got really scared.


I started treating her bad. I started saying untrue things like she's changed and treated me coldly. I didn't want to sound stupid by saying, hey im jealous over you spending more time with your friends. How about me.

But i was wrong. It wasn't her. It was me. I was getting too protective. Trying to control too much. I wanted to take over all her freedom. And I didn't understand it.


Until last night. She told me it was better to stay as friends. My world ended.

I cant express it anymore. As much as i can write and express myself. i cant this time. It was desperation. I always wondered. Who the hell would commit suicide. I mean wads the worst. losing your job. no future. So you dont need to kill yourself.

But i understand it now.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I will tell you what keeps me running now. It isn't money, it isn't friends. it isn't having fun, it isn't religion, it isn't family.

Its priscilla.

The moment she told me she was leaving my world. I got scared. To every extend i was scared.

I couldn't do anything. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't. I was really really scared.

So now. tonight im going to meet her. I'm going to tell her im sorry. and im going to act like how a real bf shld be. Im not going to get jealous. Im going to trust her now. And i've learnt.

So i'll post this before going. I want everyone to witness. what i said.

Priscilla im sorry if i've hurt you. Even if you reject me tonight. I'll still protect you. and i'll wait.

so to everyone whose reading. you can hold this against me.